i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Me. At least after what I've been through.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
