I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
