Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
