wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
