i may or may not be watching the land before time
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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