1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
