Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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