right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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