toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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