PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
