Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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