Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
