She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
