I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
