One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
