Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
