you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
