did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
