I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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