I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
