Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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