cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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