Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
