insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
