It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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