Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
