Can i not drive my cunt home
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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