in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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