My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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