not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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