Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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