Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
