Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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