Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
