I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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