so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Randomize
