Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Randomize
