My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
