You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
