So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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