Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
