Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
