M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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