I need to stop coming to work sober
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
