I think im going to throw up on grandma
I skipped work to stalk him.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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