I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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