remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
