Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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