Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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