I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
